Swain's Pants, The Novel
by gooey-dementia
Summary: when swain decides to harass demacian citizens with horse poo, he meets someone he'd never expect to see. meanwhile, lux wants to find out whats going on in the old bird's pants / ? ? ? ?
1. Chapter 1

arvan x swain the novel

chapter 1

forbidden lovers meet

it was 3am. demacia had just disbanded from a war meeting. what they didnt know was that swain, the big scary leader from noxus had been throwing stones at the locals. it turns out that these stones were dried up chunks of horse shit that he got from hecarim's stablesur. "EATP IG SHIT YOU FUCKING COMMUNIST GOLDEN FREAKS" he SCREAMED out into the city. the buildings shuddered at the sound of his voice. "IM SWAIN AND I HATE DEMACIA! U CAN ALL BURN IN HELL ESP THAT MANLY SEXY PRINCE GUY. YEAH HIM. TGE ONE WIYH YHE LANCE BUT HIS LEGS ARENT BROKEN." #homestuck references "JARVAN IS MINE YOU FUKCIGN FREAK" BAD DRAGON DILDO WARRIOR SCREAMED BACK. SHE WAS MAD. SHYVANA SMASH. "RAWWAARSGHHFAAREVGH" SHE SAID ANGRILY. :(

Shyvana LUNGED at the bird bitch in full dragon form. [cue beatrice laying down a sick beat for the battle music] "HOLY FICKING SHIT UR A FUCKING DRAGON. I'D TAP THAT"

"YEAH DAN IM GOING TO KICK UR ASS FOR WANTING A PIECE OF THAT JARVAN ASS" shyv the didldo replied. she wanna go slurp slurp on dat ashe.

"what the frick frack diddily dack patty wack snick snack crack pack slack mack quarterback crackerjack biofeedback backtrack thumbtack sidetrack tic-tac is going on here" said jarvan as he approached the two, who were about to have a rap battle. what

meanwhile beatrice had found new love with the demacian eagle valor. they did it in the birdy butthole for the rest of the fic DONT DELETE THIS. anivia was sad k

"JARVAN MY PRINCE" shyvana the yiffy dildo queen screamed. "IM COMING FOR U, BAD DRAGON AND ALL slurp slurp slurp slurp" she lunged back at jarvan.

shyvana found herself surprised when she found not a giant royal huggable dick impaled in her, but a lance. "J...JAVERT- ... u...yo u killed me... ...why"

"bc im tired of u being a stupid ho(w to basic) gurl. always shoving annhiltior dicks in my face, u want me to use them on u? well guess what, it dont compare to the real thing. and i dongrtd think ur worthy of all dat shit you crazy ass draconic bitch. in fact i..." jarvan continued trailing on and ranting, but it really didnt matter bc shyvana was already dead.

**R.I.P shyvana 2011-2014**

swain was in shock "HOLY HSIS T did u just kill her" "REST IN FUCKIGN PIECES YOU CRAYZ DILDO" he shouted, causing a fuckign iriot

"NO SWAIN THEY WILL HEAR U" jarvan shouted, throiwng shyvana's stupid fuckin gcorpse at him. her body was impaled a second time by swain's massive nose. "SWQAURK" he shouted in surprise. "squelch" shyvana's corpse made that sound as she slid off of swains nose. "ewwww" said the live audience.

"besides, i needed her out of my way so i could get somewhere." jarvan said

"where"

"ur heart 3"

"fuck off man i dont want any yeehaws"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-" jarvan charged at swain furiously with lovestruck eyes.

"NO GET AWAY FROM ME MAN," swain yelled as he flung more rainbow robot unicorn poo at jarvan, even pelting him in the face.

"_**HHHAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW**_" jarvan SCREAMED as he plunged his lance right

into

swain

's belt, destroying it and letting swain's pants fall to the ground.

Jarvan was FLABBERGASTED at the contents of swains pants..,, "wwwhat the helkkll is this"

"das my

"anaconda" suddenly swain gets a pair of shades out of nowhere. he starts dancing with his pants down, making a funny scene with his massive 5. foot long penis that looked more like a naked mole rat than a snake flopping around. jarvan thought about this for a moment, then decided to pick up swain's pants.

inside was...

swain's ezreal hentai collection.

"OH SWAIN WTF HES LIKE 14 JESU T" jarvan said. swain stopped dancing. "oh no u found my treasure trove of ez porn"

"DID SOMSWOENE SAYD A TREASURE TRISCE OD SEZRWAL PIRN!?.!:?.!?" the men heard a shrill voice sing from the rooftops.

lux and her brother garen swooped down from a rooftop. they were both dressed in pjs that had ezreal's face patterened on to them. lux screamed and grabbed swains pants, then leaped back up to the roofs. garen took a minute to look at swain's MASSIVE MAGNUM DONG which rlly looked like a roach hanging from his body, smiled and licked his lips, then jumped back up to join his sister.

"what tge fuck" swain said.

"das my line" jarvan replied.

"well now i have no pants and my ez porn collection, which ive been accumulating for 14 years, is gone."

"i guess i can take u to my palace, where i can feed ur giant snake ;;;;)"

"k"

end of chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2

_prevlisly on SWAIN'S PANTS~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~*~~spark*les*~~*sf_

"_what tge fuck" swain said. _

_"das my line" jarvan replied. _

_"well now i have no pants and my ez porn collection, which ive been accumulating for 14 years, cis gone."_

_"i guess i can take u to my palace, where i can feed ur giant snake ;;;;)" _

_"k" _

jarven x swenge novel

chapter 2

forbbideen lovers suck som dick k biger than swainss staff

peyton look at my masterpiece

the travel to jarvan's palace was short and brief. the two didnt make conversation bc they kwne what was coming. one thing was said tho

"i hope ul'l like my **swegy **penis" jarvan said to swain **swegily**. "it tastes like chicken" swain made a wonky face. he felt truly alive again like he could eat out all of demacia. jesus fucking chrsti.

finally they stopped at the castle door. "javert i dont think i can wait very long...;,& $"

"ok boob we'll just do it _righht ere" commence dick sucking_

**SUDDENLY QUINN DROP KICKS THE CASTLE DOOR DOWN, CRUSHING BOTH JAV ER E AND SWAIGI **

swain and jarban wriggles around under the door. while javan kicked w his lance swain only had his MASSIVE MAGNUM DONG to THRUST AT so the door would move. finally after enough thrusts swan's meat stick was able to puncture through the stone door.

"what hte fuck is tha" quinn said. valor squaked and jumped down from her shoulder to peck at swain's massive termite dick. at the time, beatrice was handign onto him for dear fucking life, still fucking the shit out of his birdy bootyhole with her long old ass beak. quinn was

disgusted as swaig screamed like a lil bitch at his dickhole being pecked at. OH YEAH BABEEEE THAT'S T T.

"swine wat" jarvan said in curiosity. "u like ur gargantuan (million dolla word rither thers) horse pecked at? by birds?!'"

"how the fuck do u thigk i masturbate to pics of u every night?" he replied.

"o:" erjge dsaid. erjge

**"DISGUSTING BIRD FUCKER" QIN SCREAMSD AR THE TOPPED OF HER LOONGS**

**swain's dick gave her a middel finger in response.**

"ok if u like that thsn..,... how do u like THIS?" JARAVAM SUDDENLY GREW A GIANT SQUWARKERING BEAK FROM HIS FOREHEAD. "SQAWK" his forehead screamed as it plunged its beautiedgil self right into swain's swain. "YO" swain said in response.

"h- hahrder babe"" swagi moaned in thun htun thun (dat means escasy) valor squaked, also pecking at swia aig s termite dick and soon a massive fucking swarm of birds covered swain's massive cockroach didkc. the birds were hungry. **hungry for 45 years of a kingdowm of isolationg**. they continued pecking until their beacks were covered in a mixture or literal cum, blood, sweat, orphan tears, stray pubes, feathers, among other things.

how did tears get on his dick u might ask? the bords were weeping for their feast

"holy fucking shit" said qu as the burrds flew away after their feast. she looked down at swain again. he was covered in bliss. but something seemed off about him. "oh yea" she thought. "his dicks gone"

suddenly, a wall of fire erupted in front of them. beatrice screamed into valors butt in fright. jarven saw someone he never had wanted to see again walk out from the flames! ! ! 1 1 1 !.

_**DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN **_

_**we ended on a cliffhanger stay tuned for the next update!'nnn**_

DA AURHOTS NOTES

swain's dick is a balloon animal u can change it into a snake or a termite or even a fucking tiger or a fucking swain if ur courageous enough oo;)


	3. chapter 3

**Authors note**

**we have come off our hiatus ! for a short time maybe! **

**ok so i think its in everyones best interest if we answer some of the reviews we've gotten on this here fanfiction. ok. **

**Guest**

_Painful to read._

**and so was your comment**

**(so much pain)**

**Syrill**

_What the actual fuck did i read, could'nt stop laughing good job._

**thank you so much! our goal is to make ppl laugh **

**30WaddleBuff**

_Please leave_**.**

**this is the greatest review weve ever gotten it made me laugh so hard thank you waddlebuff it was good advice coming from such an **accomplished* league of legends erotica author.**

**nnprovip**

_Great trolling masterpiece_

**thank you, although i assure you we are humans**

**Scientist**

_1/0 so great I broke the scale and had to divide by zero_

**found the nerd**

**heimerpenis**

_i could masturbate to this. ;))))_

**thats great heimerpenis, keep doing that it fuels us to write more **

**Annie Nomous**

_personally, I find your use of such vulgar language and typos as an innovative development in the fanfiction culture, and I hope many follow in your shining example. This story so far is the pinnacle of human creation and I find myself laying awake contemplating it's deeper meanings. I shudder with anticipation for the next chapter. Lastly, I want to thank you, you beautiful sentient being, for creating the greatest thing I've ever laid eyes upon_

**lol thnx**

**anon**

_i could seriously masturbate to this_

**you dont have to repeat yourself heimerdick**

**ok thats all for reviews lets get to the story ok**

_8==D~~~~~P ENISLY ~~~ON SWAIND PANTS~~~~~~_

_"holy fucking shit" said qu as the burrds flew away after their feast. she looked down at swain again. he was covered in bliss. but something seemed off about him. "oh yea" she thought. "his dicks gone"_

_suddenly, a wall of fire erupted in front of them. beatrice screamed into valors butt in fright. jarven saw someone he never had wanted to see again walk out from the flames! ! ! 1 1 1 !._

Jafar/Swan novel

chapter 3

everyone was cshocked. the burst of flames had ripped off harvan's eyebrows and the last of the remains of swain/s weenie. swain mourned for his dick, jarfan looked horrified into the fire. quaill looked like she was about to piss herself, which she did after a few moments. valor swwauaerked as beatrice screeched out swear words into his birdy arse. inseid the fire was . . . .. .. .. . .

a dragon ? ? ? / ?

no.

it was actuallyyY a teenage weeaboo and her bara brother. lux and garvan were bakc. everyone thoguht it was shyvana tho. hahahahahahhahahHAHA SUCKERS. yeah.

lux and gar gar assessed the situation. Garen's attention first went to swain, who was on the ground. garen looked at the naked man on the ground, who was pitifully crying without his giant monsterous godzilla titan tornado cock. garne shook his head sadly, a single tear running down his cheek. a single tear.

lux, on the other foot, saw only one thing: valor with beatric's beak in his booty. "OH MYF OGD ITIT S MY OTPT OMHMH YMHOHM OMM SO UPSTEM T OMGM I CLEITERETALLY CANN OT I CNANTNTON OMG OGMG" she LUNGED at the birds. valroar scremed. he tried to fly away, but the weitght of beatrice in his butt was too much. he was captured by lux.

meanwhile vayne had been happening to randomly pass by. when she saw the scene, she stopped with her mouth hung wide open. wide enough to hold like 7 dicks (jesus). she finally said one thing

"hahaha no nips jarvan." she said. jarban cried because it was true, he had no then exited the scene because she did not ever want to get near that again.

as she passed by quinn, she pulled out two pairs of scissors and HULK SMASHED THEM TOGETHER. "heh,,heheeeh" was all she said with a wonk.

peter quill screamed at this and also the loss of her berd. swain also was screaming abotu his weenie and the loss of hsis bird. wuth jarvan's help he pushed the door off of them. "i hathehet you but we need ot teemo up to take down this lil weeaboo bitch" quuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu said to swain. "i will halp/" jarenge said too. ok

luz laughiend manically. "LULEI OYU WUOIL L NEVER CAETCH ME I MAM TOOTOTOOOOO POWERFUL TO BE CAPTURED BY IUR MORTLNAL MEVANS SOYU STUPID BIRD BITCH. GAETRNE GET THSFNM."

garfeild moved into position. "you have disspaoinked me swain. i only like big dicks, and you failed me. PREPR TO DIE" garne SWUNG his massive SOWRD that was A**CTUALLY A SWORD THIS TIME AND NOT A PENIS **

swain screamiendn in firhgt. "oh no" he said scurredly. jarjar bynx could not stop garren laga in time. but someone else could.

"**YOU LIKE BIG DICKS? ? ? ? ? ?TAKE THIS GAY TRAHS" QUAIL SCREAMED SUDDENLY. SHE RI[[ED OFF HER LCOTHES TO REVEAL... THE UNHOLY PEEN. THE INCREDIBLY. THE MATRIMONY. 188.9 FOOT LONG AND EMITTING FLAMES, THE DEVASTATOR. IT FLOPPED OUT ONTO THE GROUND AND CAUSED AN EARTHQUAKE, THROWING EVERYONE TO THE GROUND. A NUN SAW IT AN D **_**BURST INTO FLAMES. **_

garen managed to sit up and eyed the massiver pecker. "heart eyes emoji" he said as he crawled to it in revelation, drool coming from his mouth.

"GARENRIN NOT" LUX SCREAMIEND HER BROTHER WAS IN TROUBLE. she looked at her brother, who looked ready to suck satan's dick and die trying to get it in his mouthh and then looked at her snared rimjob birds, who were still going at it and screaming in her light prison.

lux had to maek a chouice. otps, or family. shipping, or her best friend. finally she did what was right.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAあああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああ" homie screamed herself asian and took her bridges and ran away, leaving her brother to diee.

but quill had other ideas for him. while garen was salivating on the ground worshipping the devastating massing schlong, quinn looked at him. "mm. you want this dong?"

"yes plesE"

"go kill your sister, then you can have it." GREEN RUSHED OFF IN A HURRY TO GO FUFILL THIS WISH SO HE COULD HAVE **THE OMEGA DONG **IN HIS MOUTH.

"we should go follow him so he doesnt mess up" jarj said. "ok" wuinn said and she started dragging her massive dick alongside her to help garnrem,

**END OF CALHPER THERRE**


End file.
